About My Story

So that’s my story. And I should say, you know, I mean…. sad story.

I’m much older now and it’s not like I’ve forgotten it…Like I said, I’ve been through primal therapy…. I don’t want to forget it.

But, you see, having gone through Primal… experiencing it, along with the other ways I’ve been screwed over… I’ve accepted it; and it doesn’t affect me, or push me, or anything.

I’ve learned to appreciate my Dad; even to love him later in life…and my mother…seeing them as poor souls who had it so bad that…. I’m just glad I didn’t get their lot in life.

Oh sure, as a kid… as a kid I just hated; I was so mad, I hated.

But you see, I didn’t know two things — that I learned in my life — but it took a lot of life experience and Primal and so on….

I had to learn…that cruel people do cruel things not knowing they are being cruel; and not being able to help it…. They’re driven…by cruel things that have been done to them. It’s always: “There but for the Grace of God go I.”

If we’re fortunate enough to be able to change our ways, to not be so cruel, to be kinder, gooder… to help people… that’s why we should! Because not everybody can. Some people are just too crushed inside, more crushed than me.

And the other thing is…”OK, so that was football, y’know… but I had other talent….

And I realized in life that it’s not . . . . Who is really in charge of this life is not my parent. I began to realize that nothing happens, not even a blade of grass moves… in the wind…unless by the will of God. I surely believe that… Because I’ve seen it… in my life. How many times I’ve planned things, I went to have; something else happened that was better for me.

What I’m saying is: There’s your feeling of destiny, and your feeling of how it should work out… and then there’s you know … you may know your talents, but you don’t know your goal. You don’t know what God’s divine plan is for your destiny. In the end, I could just think that maybe I might have got football… and been a jock… and played Pro Football and everything. I might’ve been one of those businessmen they always turn out to be; and become a Republican like they always turn out; and never gone and to school and gotten that passion for knowledge… that passion…for knowledge…to know…incredible things that the great minds have known for millennia… passion for knowledge….

And then to actually find out about the way of feeling my emotional scars, and to go into that and actually do it, and to get the benefit of that … would I have done any of that if I had gone on into football?

And who knows if I had gone into football if I might not have had something happen to me as a Pro where I might have had some kind of weird creepy accident or had my…. people have died on the playing field… I mean God only knows your fate in life and when something, some brick wall is blocking the way, even if it is your greatest desire — and there’s nothing you can do about it — well, you gotta know, that God is protecting you there… from something that you know not what…

I found out, I found that out. I even had a house fire. I thought, “What are you doing, God, trying to kill me?”

I had a house fire that burned down all the books, all the books I had planned, for the rest of my life….

It took me ten years… well, nine full years for sure for me to realize that that was the greatest gift I could receive because it freed me from all those old books — some of which are so important that I will bring them out in some form or other…

But it freed me to have a style — not an academic style, but a style all my own. It freed me to write, to speak, be comical, to act … to be me! In a much freer way than I would have been had I stayed with all those academic books that I was going to write — trapped into academic kind of writing, which very few people would read.

Also, I realize now I got so much coming up; I got so much more material, and it’s so much more… in some ways it’s much better than before. It’s so much better than what I had planned. I wouldn’t have come to it otherwise.

Oh, and this is so much, this is so much….

My life? I realize had to be exactly the way it was and even my father… You know I can forgive my father. It was hard! But you know? It didn’t kill me.

It had it’s blessings that I might have resisted. It helped me to know what’s good, in family, in groups and stuff. It helped me to appreciate love. It helped me to understand love and to be even more sensitive because I knew my Dad had been miserable. So I was totally committed to being sensitive and to being all that I could be. Because I knew what it was like to be well, I guess, smaller… I knew what a small person looked like. Although for he, it was probably all that he could be.

He would be the inspiration for all of his children to be better, to do better, to raise their children better, which they all did. My nieces and nephews are wonderful; they’re beautiful.

Though my siblings and I all carry scars. They, my my brothers and sisters, carry more scars than me because of Primal.

Can you imagine, I’m going into realms I feel so happy about. You think I think about football? Hardly.

My joy, my greatest joy; the things that’s giving me joy now is the thought of helping somebody out; helping people out. I can’t think of anything better.

You see I’ve come from so much suffering, and still survived over and over again. A lot of it I did on my own, like my birth.

And so I’ve born me.

I went into Primal, and other things that I put in, coming out of suffering…

I know so many things; I mean I know things; I know I can help people, through the therapy; and I also know things that I can tell people that will, how you say, “ease their mind”?

I know things that are true; that if only they know, you see, because it took me a long time to get to them… but they are true. And they can relieve the suffering that they’re feeling unnecessarily.

I can’t save everybody; but I know that my greatest joy is doing what I can for the people that God puts in my life, that God brings to me….

So, it’s not a sad story. It’s not a sad story at all. What the story is, is a story of authenticity. As I was talking about in “Message from Michael,” — it’s a story of authenticity. It is — by bucking and defying culture — which is exactly what I had to do.

So, that’s the dilemma of culture, and, I thank Michael Jackson for the message of his life and for all the wonderful things that he’s done. As well, I thank him for his personal contribution to my understanding of me.

As I said at the end of “Message from Michael,” this is no. this person is not lacking, this person’s life was not a failure or tragic. He lived larger than life… He let himself be all that he could be to the umpteenth degree, surpassing everyone and no one surpassing him that could dance like him

And so I say, Is it the length of your life that’s important? Or is it the richness of the LIFE that’s in your life that’s important.

I think Michael Jackson is happy sleeping with the angels. I think he’s finally at peace.

Thank you, Michael.

This is SillyMickel Adzema.

That’s my story.
From My Personal Tale, Pt. 2

For more:

My Personal Tale:
Reflections on Persecution of the Talented, Sensitive, and Unique; and Culture’s Sick and Contradictory Purposes
Part One: Fathers, Sons, and Everyone Inherits a Laundry Room

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